Public Spark

In any relationship, no matter how loving or perfect it may be, there are bound to be disagreements that arise. This is perfectly natural because both parties have grown up and been raised in different households. Although in some cases, there are irreconcilable differences, I believe that in most cases it is a necessary to accept the fact that disagreements do arise. For a strong relationship, it is important to work through these differences and to strive to understand each other. These are some of the tools that have helped me with my relationship.

1. “To listen is an effort, and just to hear is no merit. A duck hears also.”- Igor Stravinsky (modern composer)

   Listening is often really hard to do especially when there are emotions involved and you want to tell your view of things. But often arguments can arise from the mere fact of misunderstanding. This comes from not listening to your partner or not asking for clarification.

2. Understanding your feelings

   In the course of an argument, many feelings are bound to come up. Anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, etc. When there are so many, it is hard to know what you are saying or what you want to say. One thing for certain is that one does not want to say things they would regret. Words can be hurtful and permanently scar your relationship. In situations like these, perhaps the best thing is to take a brief 30 minute break and give each other space.

3. Do not run away, as easy as it may be

   Providing space, does not mean to brush away the problem and hope the other partner would give in. Both can agree to come back and talk in 30 minutes when you are both calm and have had time to self-reflect. One thing that I have read and believe is to not go to sleep after an argument. It is better to come to some resolution because when you go to sleep with all the feelings, you will not wake up the next morning feeling happy. Instead your situation is probably worse with more unresolved issues and feelings of resentment.

4. Pick your battles

   Easy to say, but hard to practice. Sometimes one has to let go of the small things because no one wants people nitpicking or “nagging” at every little thing. It’s okay that the paper towel was left on the kitchen table by accident when it wasn’t supposed to be. However, it’s not okay if your partner throws away your documents without asking you.

5. Appreciate the other’s vulnerability

   Arguments can be misunderstood as a bad thing, but it can be a good thing, when it is not out of control. It is a sign that you want to get to know the other person better. It is a sign that you are trying to work out your differences. After an argument, you can see the other person as being more open and honest, even vulnerable. In examining my relationship, I see that the arguments we have had have led to a better understanding of each other. I appreciate my partner’s honesty and personality.

6. Say something positive before you point out a negative aspect

   No one likes to be pointed out the faults even though everyone knows they have them. They are more willing to listen if you start out with something positive or something that validates they are being listened to. For example, “I understand that you are upset, but…, I think you are a great person, but this… takes away from you, etc.

7. Don’t use “YOU”, but “I”

   Whenever “YOU” is used, it feels as though the recipient is being attacked and they have to defend themselves. In defending themselves, they might say critical things and make the argument no longer about the actual issue but about protecting yourselves. When “I” is used, you are describing yourself and this can help the partner understand where you are coming from. For example, instead of saying “You make me mad because you are so messy and you make it a horrible environment to live in,” it can be more influential to say, “I get upset when things are not clean because I want it to be a good environment for us.” The latter can lead to a conversation rather than a battle.

8. Give and take

   It is okay to say that there are certain things that you cannot change. But you also have to be willing to understand that in your other partner too. Find solutions together. Both have to be willing to change. A relationship is a balance between two individuals. Both have to be committed to making a change.

9. Communication

   Talking often can clarify things and can lead to appreciating the small things that make your relationship special.

10. Be open with your feelings

    Tell your partner that you love them everyday because you don’t know when it might be the last time you can say it.