Talking about difficult issues series: Talking to children about death

Some of the typical questions that children ask about death were as follows:

• What does “dead” mean?

  It is better to reply to children with a simple and brief answer. The idea or the concept of death is hard to grasp so any way that can be simple is best. For example, you can describe the physical aspects like they can no longer talk, eat, or walk.

• Does it hurt when you die?

  Children may feel comforted to know that the person is not in pain or no longer suffering.

• Why do people die?

  The children may ask this question because of all of the hurt and feelings from losing someone that they loved and/or they can be curious about the physical aspect. It is important to acknowledge that they may be feeling mad or angry because their loved one was taken away. The best is to give them an honest answer even if it means saying “I don’t know.”

• Where are they now?

  This is probably different according to various people’s religious affiliations.

• When are they coming back?

  This is again an area that should be simple or straightforward because children can be confused. Using die, died or dead can give clear meaning. The brochure suggests that using words such as “passed away,” “gone on,” “departed,” can give false hope that their loved one will return. This will add to the child feeling abandoned when the person does not come back.

• Did I make them die?

  Feelings that arise from the grieving process is not just the aspect of sadness or anger, but also guilt and shame. It is important to acknowledge to the child that it is not their fault. Dying is a natural process of life.

• Why did they do this to me?

  It may be easy to be angry at them for questioning themselves, but children want to displace their anger and sadness to the person who left them. In these times, it is important to allow them to share their feelings in a comfortable and safe environment.

• Who will take care of me?

  When death comes, it can bring a sense of losing control or fear in adults and the same is with children. They want to make sure that they will still have their needs met and be taken care of.

• Will you die too?

  When someone dies, people soon become aware of the fact that it could happen to anyone at anytime. The child may fear losing someone else. It is important to be honest and tell them that “I will die someday too,” but to put a positive aspect after like “but I hope that we will share many great memories until that day comes.”

• Will I die?

  It is good to be honest with them and tell them that they will die someday, but to give them hope to by saying that hopefully you will live a long life.

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Here are some grief counseling resources:

The Center for Grief and Loss for Children: 1-866-74GRIEF (1-866-744-7433)

Hospice of Pasadena: 626-397-3600
various locations in Los Angeles County

http://www.hospicenet.org/
http://www.findingourway.net/
http://www.willowgreen.com/p_grief.shtml
http://www.griefnet.org
http://www.aarp.org/families/grief_loss/
http://www.hospicefoundation.org/